An Evening in Winchester
by Awesome Galaxy
Summary: In what began as a high speed car chase after the ice cream man, our Wammy boys become lost in the city and  must rely on prostitutes, karaoke contests, a strange man called B, and Mello's faith in Lady GaGa to get home. And of course, each other.
1. The Death of An Ice Cream Man

_A/N: Introducing "An Evening in Winchester", in which our dear Wammy boys get lost in Winchester, Hampsire, UK, Europe, Earth….I've done QUITE a lot of looking about on Google Maps, and Winchester really isn't that large, so let's pretend it is…for the sake of the fic. Please, babies, please…._

_But, ja, I hope you do indeed enjoy this little bit I have created, though I am sorry to inform you that there will be no BOY KISSING. GAAASP. Never fear, though, Matt is still gay, as he is in ever single Death Note fic EVER. I am so freakin serious, I have no idea how many DN fics I've read, but it's been a HULLUVA lot, and about 3% of those fics involve a straight Matt. Seriously._

_But without further adeu, I present to you…_

_AN EVENING IN WINCHESTER._

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

Chapter 1

The Death of An Ice Cream Man

The early summer days were always lazy ones for the children of Wammy's House. They would all mill about the house playing games and reading books and being very good children indeed….well, _all_ if you don't count Mello.

"You've gone too far, Mello!" snapped Roger in his angriest tone. This voice normally struck trembling fear into the children of Wammy's, but not Mello. Mello heard this tone just about every day. And up at this point, he was very sick of it indeed.

"I '_go too far'_ everyday, old man," the 14-year-old told the severely annoying principal of the House. He was leaning sideways in his chair so that his right leg dangled lazily over the chair's arm, looking very irritated that Roger had pulled his away from completing his chocolate statue of Lady GaGa. He was getting so close, so very close to finishing the perfect replica of his dearly beloved GaGa. She would be his one day, and they would rule this pathetic world together in-

"Mello! Did you not hear me!"

"You'll be the first to go when the world falls to GaGa!" Mello bellowed back.

Roger let out a shaky, furious sign, fumbling around in his desk drawer for his beloved bottle of Xanax. He wouldn't have a panic attack in front of Mello. Not again. "Mello, this type of behavior will not go unpunished! The trouble is…" Roger opened the bottle and shook three pills into his mouth. "I've already given you ever punishment in the book."

A smirk crossed Mello's face at the thought of actually going without a punishment.

"But you will STILL be in trouble indeed!"

Damn.

Roger cleared his throat, glad the Xanax were starting to take effect. "Now, I've compiled a list of punishments I have always fantasized of having you do-" _What the fuck?_ thought Mello's inner voice absently. "-and I suppose I could consult it. Let's see…" The old man took out a blue quill pen and began crossing off options that he knew Mr. Wammy would never allow, such as _#13: Sell Mello to a traveling circus_, or _#81: Rip out each of his eyelashes very slowly_, and even his personal favorite, #653: _Shoot 50 mL's of Viagra into his drinking water._ "I suppose I'll have to settle for #71. You will wash my car until it's spotless!"

_No_. Not Old Betsy. Everyone at the House knew that Roger's Red 1932 Ford Roadster was haunted with all the poor souls of Roger's previous lovers. The rumor around Wammy's was Roger would convince young women to marry him in secret, so he could take out a life insurance policy, only to kill them brutally in the back of Old Betsy before grinding up their flesh and bones so he could save a quick buck when Sloppy Joe night rolled around at the House.

Which is why no one ate the Sloppy Joes. Ever.

"B-But it's haunted!" protested Mello. "All your old whores will kill me!"

Popping another pill into his mouth, Roger shook his head furiously. "Then you will clean out the inside of it, too! There are buckets and rags in the garage. Get to it, or there will be even greater consequences!" He said, referring to _#429: Give his pictures to PedophileUSA .com_. The older man tossed Mello the spare key, and for a moment felt a dire sense of panic.

With an irritated grumble, Mello left Roger's office in an aggravated manor. Unbeknownst to him, though, Roger followed sneakily behind to make sure that Mello would complete his punishment. Mello was so angry, in fact, that when he saw his arch-enemy Near padding down the hallway in his annoying white clothes and sweet demeanor, he just had to shove the little bastard down. Near squeaked, more out of surprise that pain, and looked up at the boy who hated him so. "What is it that I did now, Mello?" the small white thing asked in his usual emotionless voice. It pissed Mello off to the fullest extent how he could punch and kick and beat Near, and he would keep that same unaffected tone.

"Shut the hell up!" Mello grumbled back, stomping forward. Of course he had no intention of cleaning Roger's car; in fact, he was planning on sticking weasels and things in the trunk. But still, he would have to search for such weasels and things in the woods behind Wammy's House for a good hour or so, and that was such a hassle. Roger never thought about what effects "punishments" would have on Mello. How selfish.

"Ahh, Near! I'm so glad one of our _responsible_ students came along," Roger said to the smaller boy. "Mello is to wash and clean out my car, and I want you to supervise to make sure he does it right!"

Near's beady little eyes flicked to the infuriated Mello, to the glad Roger, and back to the former again. "Umm, I don't know if that's such a-"

"Grand, then! See you boys at dinner time!" said Roger before scurrying back into his office.

The boys stared at each other for what felt like minutes.

"I hate you," Mello said without anger in his voice. That's what scared Near so very much. "Hurry your ass up." And with that, he turned and went down the hallway to the front yard, where Roger kept his car. Near rushed to his feet and followed as fast as his short little legs would carry him.

That's when he was attacked. Or, glomped is the more common term for it. Near squirmed about as Matt held him down. "Heyyy, Near," the redhead purred. "What're you doing wandering the halls all by your lonesome? Someone might rape you…" Matt slowly raised his eyebrows and grinned mischievously. "But it's not rape if you want it." He bent down, about to bite the ear small boy, before Mello came over and kicked his best friend in the ribs, sending him toppling off of Near.

"Help me clean Roger's car," the blonde demanded of his roommate before turning back down the hallway. Near jumped to his feet and scurried after Mello, terrified of what Matt might do next. Every time they came into contact with each other, Matt took one extra step up on the Rapist Scale…

Outside, Mello and Matt began to fill up buckets of soapy water from the hose, while Near sat idly by in the grass, playing contently with Optimus Prime. Mello was cleaning the car as quickly and sloppily as he could, while Matt cleaned it veeeery slowly, leaning over the car seductively in hopes of getting his darling Near's attention. With a scowl, he realized that this wouldn't succeed, so he "accidentally" spilled the bucket of water over himself. "Ohhh, God, I'm all weeeeeet now!" Matt cried out in what he hoped was a sexy manor. "I'll have to _take my shirt off.._." Humming the tune of _Let's Get Physical_, the redhead slowly and deliberately began removing his shirt. "Ohhh, man, it's so cooold, my nipples are popping out in-"

"Shut the _fuck_ up, Matt!" Mello yelled at his best friend, throwing a wet sponge at him. Matt shot one last longing look at Near before pulling his shirt back on.

That's when all hell broke loose.

Near perked his head up like a chipmunk, looking all around. "Did you hear that…?" He murmured to Optimus Prime. The robot stayed silent. "It sounds like the-"

"ICE CREAM MAN!" bellowed Mello in a warrior's cry. It's true, the beloved Ice Cream Man had just zoomed past Wammy's House at no less than 90 miles an hour, the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel" playing ridiculously fast. Normally this would not be so important to teenagers, but this was the first ice cream truck they had seen all summer, and it was nearly the middle of June! Who knew when he would return again? Of course there was only one thing to do.

"GIT YOUR ASS IN!" Mello yelled to Matt, and partially to Near as he unlocked the front door and hopped in the driver's seat. "We have to catch him!" 

Matt wasted no time in hopping next to Mello in the old car, glad to finally get a chance to get one of his beloved Star Bars at last. Near was still sitting in the grass, his face totally calm except for the panic in his eyes. "Um, we shouldn't leave school!" he protested, though he did indeed want some ice cream.

Mello's death glare convinced him otherwise. Near got a good grip on Optimus Prime and scurried over to the car. He jumped in next to Matt, disappointed that there wasn't a back seat, and Mello started the car and tore out of the driveway before Near had even shut the door. The ravaging blond belted down the road, fueled by his intense craving for ice cream. "You won't get away, dammit!" he screamed at the Ice Cream truck, which was now going 110 miles per house. He stomped on the gas, and the speedometer steadily creeped from 70, to 80, to 90…

"Mello, this is dangerous!" squeaked Near, holding onto Matt for dear life. Matt would have enjoyed this situation had be not also been completely terrified. "Y-You're not necessarily an experienced driver!"

Mello ignored this statement as he zipped after the truck. He knew enough to know that the left peddle was go, and the right one was stop. Or was it the other way around? Well, he was obviously doing something right, because the car was only swerving just a little, and he had only hit two cats so far. The young German growled in hatred as he turned a quick left, then right, and left again after the truck. It was avoiding them. That much was obvious, but why? Cars on the road honked their horns and hurried out of Mello's reign of terror, and this was becoming more frequent as the boys ventured into Downtown Winchester. Children on the sidewalks were crying for the ice cream man to please stop. "I will avenge you!" Mello yelled to them. They were gaining on that damn Ice Cream Man, couldn't have been more than 30 feet away. Mello honked the horn in white hot passion, but the truck didn't stop. They had long ago passed Downtown, and were moving into the ghettos of Winchester.

"We don't know this area, Mels!" Matt exclaimed, looking all around in search of a familiar piece of scenery. "Maybe we should head back-"

"I've nearly got the bastard!" hissed Mello in near victory. Up ahead was the sign "dead end", which blocked off the side of a cliff that went over the long, rapid Hockley River below. There weren't any turns up ahead, so the Ice Cream Man would either have to stop, or perish in the waters below.

He went with the latter.

"Dear Jesus!" Matt and Mello shrieked together, while Near merely squealed in terror as the boys watched the truck zoom over the edge of the cliff. Mello nearly forgot to stop the car, and hoped to God he was pressing the correct peddle when he stomped on the left one. The car squealed to a stop just before the front tires went over the edge. The three of them shared shocked and terrified looks before Mello turned off the car and they all hurried out to look over the side of the cliff. The ice cream truck was at the edge of the river, and it didn't seem to be too terribly battered.

Matt gulped in relief and looked at his cohorts. "Umm, maybe he's oka—"

The truck burst into flames.

They all released weak little screams. Near clutched Optimus Prime tighter to his chest. "H-He could still get out, I s-suppose-"

The truck imploded into nothingness.

"Oh."

All three of the Wammy boys slowly backed away from the cliff, still in a bit of shock. After the sun began to set minutes later, Mello decided he had to be the strong one and released a shaky sigh. "Come on. Let's go home." He opened the door of the car and stuck the key in the ignition before being interrupted by Matt's weary "Ummm, Mello…"

Mello turned to look at Matt. "Yeah, what?" 

Near and Matt looked at each other, and then at Mello. "Where _is _home?" the both said quietly.

This even set fear into Mello. He looked around the area and saw nothing he recognized. He didn't know what direction Wammy's House was from the river. He only knew that it was a good 25 minutes away, when they were driving at normal speeds. None of the boys had mobile phones, and each couldn't have had more than three dollars in their pockets.

"Damn," Mello sighed to himself as the sun went down behind him. "We're lost."

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

A/N: well, I certainly hope you're enjoying this so far. I'm having a lot of fun with it. And, yes, I know the likeliness of an ice cream truck imploding is about one to sixty buh-million, but I thought it would be funny…please read and review, I luff you, darlings!


	2. The Familiar Psycho

_A/N: Thank you all so very much for reading and reviewing! Your reviews make my heart super happy. X3 I really do luff you all!_

_I would totally join the Church of Latter Day GaGa…._

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDND

An Evening in Winchester

Chapter 2

The Familiar Psycho

"What do you mean_, we're lost_?" Near said, trying to hide the true panic in his voice. "W-We can't be lost. We'll just call Roger!" he went on, beginning to talk more to Optimus Prime than to his cohorts.

Mello kicked Old Betsy and crossed his arms. "We don't have his number! Besides, we will NOT call Roger. He will do _terrible_ things to me if we get caught," he answered, shuddering at the thought of what else might be on Roger's list of Mello's punishments. "Besides, Wammy's House is concealed from the public. No one would know what we were talking about if we asked about it. We've just gotta…" He looked around at their surroundings, at the high cliff and the run down bars and the mysterious characters hanging about the streets. "We've just gotta stick together. Not that I particularly enjoy the thought of _sticking_ with Near, it's the only thing we can do."

Matt and Near exchanged worried glances with each other. Matt, nervous beads of sweat forming on his forehead, pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. "I dunno, Mels," the redhead said absently, holding the cig between his teeth. "This area's kinda sketchy. And if we take the car, cops are bound to come after us, what with you driving like a freakin' maniac. Oh, sweet Jesus, we're in such deep shit…"

"Hey!" Mello snapped, slapping Matt upside the head. "I dunno how many damn times I've told you to respect my religion!"

"What's that?" Near mumbled, lowering his head to listen to Optimus Prime. He began to speak quietly with the robot as Matt and Mello spoke.

"Being apart of the 'Church of Latter Day GaGa is not a real religion, Mello," Matt told his best friend tiredly. "The alters in our room are starting to piss me off, too. Seriously, Lady GaGa isn't a god. I doubt she's even real."

Mello gasped and nearly slapped Matt. "You take that back, you damn—"

. "Optimus Prime says that you seem to play automobile video games quite a lot, Matt," interrupted Near. "Perhaps that could apply to real life situations? You seem to be good in games, at least."

Delighted with the closest thing to a compliment he would ever get from Near, Matt nodded. "Totally! Well, I'm not real good, but I'm okay. Way better than Mello, at least. Lemme try it out." He took the key from Mello and hopped in the driver's seat. After it turned over, he gulped and motioned for his companions to get in the car. Mello got in first, then Near. The car was originally made for just two people, so they were all a tid bit squished, which angered Mello even further. Matt put the car in reverse, very slowly at first, his gloved hands shaking. His cigarette was dropping ashes as he trembled. "O-Okay…let's go." He continued to back up, the car traveling at exactly 1.5 miles an hour.

Mello scowled. "Speed it up, if you can stand it, Matt."

The redhead nodded vigorously. "S-S-S-Sorry," he breathed, trying his hardest to keep his cool. The cigarette certainly wasn't helping. If it were legal, he would have played his DS while driving. It calmed him, and it was just in his back pocket…

"Matt!"

"I'M TRYING, DAMMIT!" he shrieked, his fourteen-year-old voice cracking with nerves. He shook like a Chihuahua, and began to wonder how Mello was able to go so much faster.

Mello rolled his eyes and pressed on Matt's knee. It sent his foot on the peddle, and the car accelerated from 1.5 miles an hour to a perilous 3 miles an hour. Matt released a blood-curdling scream and began to hyperventilate. He couldn't move, he was far too scared stiff. "God didn't intend man to travel at such speed!" he cried between gasps. His eyes shifted to the rear-view mirror, and he saw something that send another scream from his lips. "Oh, God, IT'S A DOG!" The tiny Pomeranian he spotted was about twenty feet behind the car, curled up into a ball and sleeping soundly. "GET OUT OF THE WAY, DOGGY, YOU'LL GET HIT!"

They were now sixteen feet away from the dog. It was all happening so fast, and the tension could be sliced with a knife. But in that moment, something odd happened. Both Mello and Near-who were watching Matt's delusional panic attack-met each other's eyes. Mello chuckled, Near smirked a bit, and they both rolled their eyes at Matt's hilarious behavior that would prove to be a delightful story once they returned to the house. After a moment, Mello realized that he wasn't glaring at Near, for once in his life, and was repulsed by this. He turned away from the boy in disgust and slapped Matt hard in the face.

The gamer blinked absent as a pink handprint formed on his cheek. His foggy goggles were askew, and he straightened them tiredly before reaching for the key. He didn't reach it, though; the car shut off on it's own. The three of them exchanged glances-except Mello and Near, so I guess it wouldn't be the three of them-before Near stated was the other two were trying their hardest to deny. "It's out of gas."

Mello clenched his fist, taking deep breaths, trying his hardest to avoid punching the nearest thing to him-which was Near. He knew giving the smaller boy a black eye-again-wouldn't help their mission. "Crap! Well, don't they sell jugs of gas? There's a station over there. How much do we have?" the three boys removed everything from their pockets. Together they had $4.72, a pack of cigarettes, a DS, a half-eaten bar of chocolate, and a detachable helmet for Optimus Prime. The blonde shook in fury and sent a silent prayer to Lady GaGa to help him remain calm and collected. Almost instantly, he began to breathe easier. "Well. I-I guess we'll have to ask someone for help!" he said enthusiastically. This wasn't normal for Mello; out of the three of them, he wasn't exactly pessimistic or optimistic. Matt was a glass half-full man, and Near saw it as half empty, while Mello couldn't give less of a damn; he just wanted a drink of whatever the glass was full, or empty, of.

"Mels, we'll get raped," Matt protested, silently mentioning that it isn't rape if you want it. And he did want it. "Can't we just ask around for-"

"We're not. Calling. ROGER," Mello told his best friend sternly. "I will cut your fucking face off and run around with it on as a mask. Do you understand?"

Matt, a bit disturbed by this statement, nodded and looked around for someone who looked relatively nice enough to assist them. Perhaps someone would have enough of a heart to loan them money for gas. It's not really considered loaning if you don't intend to pay it back, but even so. "How 'bout we just ask her for help?" he said, pointing to a corner about a block away where a woman dressed in tall stilettos, a short shock of a miniskirt, and a halter top was leaning against a STOP sign and smoking. "Women are all nurturing and junk, right? Near, you're all cute and stuff. Why don't you ask her for help?"

Near looked helplessly at Mello and Matt, who were each quite a bit taller than he was. He twiddled a bit of his hair nervously, trying to keep his cool demeanor. "I-I don't really…_talk_ to women."

The best friends shared skeptical glances. "You mean you're…scared to talk to women?"

Near furiously shook his head, his white curls whipping his face. "Of course not. Not really. Maybe just a small amount. Yes, I am. They're psychotic, venomous creatures who would no doubt eat me if I show fear. They can smell it."

Matt and Mello fought to hide their smirks. "Does this mean you're into guys?" asked Matt hopefully.

The short boy narrowed his eyes, but said nothing. "Mello, females are interested in you, for some odd reason. You ought to talk to her."

Mello frowned and glanced at the rather scary looking woman. She was leaned over, talking to someone in a car, and it sped off while she was still leaning on it. She frowned and puffed on her cigarette. "Fine, then. I will." Leaving the other two behind, he hurried toward the woman on the corner, a shudder of doom traveling up his spine. "Um, excuse me-"

The woman turned and shot him an evil glare. "I told you I ain't got your damn money!" she screamed in a rough, smoker's voice, the kind of voice Mello was always warning Matt that he could get one day. "You audits, always comin' to my corner, wanting your child support, well, you ain't getting no damn child support!"

Mello was shaken by the lady's outburst, and instantly felt better when he saw Near and Matt and Optimus Prime (the fact that he listed the toy in his head disturbed him greatly) were approaching quickly. "I-I'm not here for child support," he said, trying to shake the fear from his voice. "I'm just a kid…my friends and I are lost, and-"

"Ohhhhh, I suppose you're gonna tell me I'm your mamma too, now!" the lady screamed, causing a few passersby to look at them all oddly. "Listen, you little brat, I ain't fallin' for it! I only pushed twelve little bastards outta my uterus! Or thirteen. But they's way younger than y'all! I think. BUT I'M NOT YOUR DAMN MAMMA!"

Mello shared a shaken glance with the others. Matt, sensing his best friend's true terror, stepped up to the plate. "Ma'am, we don't think we're your children. Or, we sure as hell hope not. We're sort of lost, and wondered if you could find it in the kindness of your heart to help us to buy some gas."

The lady narrowed her eyes. "I ain't got no money," she responded, stuffing the hundred dollar bills back into her bra. She eyes the cigarette between Matt's lips longingly. "But, listen. I'm almost outta cigs. You give me your pack and all the money you got, and I'll drive you home."

The boys looked at each other eagerly. Matt waggled his eyebrows at Mello in a "that's how it's done" fashion. "Thank you so much, ma'am," the boy said, collecting all their money together, along with his cigarettes, and presented them to the woman. "Now, I'm not quite sure where our house is, but if we look around I'm sure we—"

She was running down the street, cackling madly. "BITCH!" screamed Matt, darting after her. But being a smoker since he was six had given him terrible lungs, so after about ten yards, the redhead collapsed to the ground in a coughing fit. "Damn it, she was too quick," he choked out, eyes swelling with painful tears.

Near extended Optimus Prime's arm to gently pat Matt on the back, while Mello sneered at him best friend. "That's how it's done! Yeah fuckin' right. Now we're out of money, you're out of cigarettes, and our car's dead!" The blonde turned away and fumed to himself, mumbling swears and more prayers to Lady GaGa. He turned back to his cohorts. "Let's get back to Old Betsy. Maybe there's an emergency tank or something or-" he noticed that Near and Matt's jaws were dropped, and they were staring right behind him. A premonition of evil came into Mello's mind, and he turned to see what they were staring at.

Old Betsy was being towed.

"NO!" Mello screamed, darting down the street after the tow truck. But being an avid chocoholic since age 2, which involved 20 bars a day, zero exercise, and surprisingly zero diabetes, Mello's legs gave out after about thirty yards. "Dammit…" he panted to himself, trying his hardest to control his breathing, and wondering just how the hell he had remained under 800 pounds these past years. He staggered to his feet as the tow truck escaped from eyesight. Once back with Near and Matt and Optimus Prime (damn!), Mello slumped on the sidewalk and leaned against the wall. "We're never going to get home," he groaned angrily. "We've got no money, we don't know where the hell our car is, and even if we did, it's out of gas." He looked at the others, and saw that Near and Matt looked just as hopeless. Even Optimus Prime seemed a little down.

"I believe I might be able to assist you, if you would allow me to."

All three boys gasped. That voice belonged to their mentor, L! He would save them! They turned around to the direction of the voice, and released surprised yelps when they saw, no, it wasn't L. It could have been a very close relative, though. This man before them had L's messy dark hair, sleep deprived eyes, and funny little hunch. He was a bit shorter than L, though, and his cheekbones were a smidgen higher, and he just had a….darker look about him. This man was wearing a black fedora and a deep black jacket with tight black pants, which was indeed odd attire for this sort of weather.

Near clutched Optimus Prime tight. He knew in the pit of his tiny belly that he ought to be afraid, but he didn't know why. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he knew this person, and not just because he was reminded of L…

"The truck that took your car belongs to Honeydew," said the man. Now that the boys listened, his voice sounded smoother than L's, and higher. "He only works some hours few, but I dare say, if you hurry along, you may catch up to the man who's done wrong."

The three boys were like fire and water and earth next to each other. Near looked upon this stranger wearily and knew they shouldn't trust him. Matt was looking at the man's package and, satisfied with what he saw, began to check out the rest of him. He was very good looking indeed. Mello was sizing this person up, deciding whether or not they should go to the tower's. After all, people around here were psycho. And this dude kept rhyming some weird shit.

"Who're you?" Mello asked, stepping in front of the other two.

The man, to their surprise, smirked and chuckled a bit. "You don't remember me? I'm hurt. It has been some years, though, you see. You can call me B, for now, and how do we know each other? I can't tell you how! I haven't returned to my home in quite some time, but once I'm back, I will have what's rightfully miiiiiiiiine…" he drawled out, seeming to speak more to himself than to the boys. After a moment of awkward and creepy silence, B shook his head and smiled. "Well, I've to run, I nearly forgot. Will we meet again? For your sake, I hope not…." He turned from them and strode quickly down the street. The boys were stunned for a moment and didn't even notice where he ran off to.

"That's creepy," Matt said. "He looked so…"

"Familiar," finished Near, nodding his head at Mello. "And, what does he mean, we don't remember him…This is disturbing indeed."

Mello peered down the street that B had pointed to. It was dark, with flickering street lights and scary looking houses. What if we die? He wondered to himself. With a gulp, he took Matt's hand. He was about to take Near's hand as well, but a sudden bout of nausea convinced him to hold onto Optimus Prime. "Hold hands," he ordered the other two. "We're going to pray."

Matt was all too glad to hold onto Near's hand. He smiled flirtatiously at the shorter boy, and Near turned pink in humiliation. Mello slid his eyes closed, and Near and Matt did the same. "Dear Lady GaGa," said Mello in his best serious voice. "You've helped us through all our bad romances, and gave us the strength to make perfect poker faces. Now we need your help in surviving the trial that lays before us. Thank you for all you do for us, your eternal servants, and in return for our-my-loyalty, I pray that you keep us safe on our journey. Cherry cherry boom boom." They all released their hands, and Mello nodded, his faith in Lady GaGa giving him strength. "Let's go."

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

_A/N: I seriously said this prayer. XD Not with the keep up safe part. I was at a forensics tournament, and I got about ten of my friends and I said this prayer, and it gave me such confidence. I trust you all will use this prayer as well. XD Btw, the "Cherry cherry boom boom" part is indeed a GaGa song, and it's the Latter Day GaGa form of Amen. Lol_

I know B's rhyming crap is creepy, but I thought it would be a hilarious idea. XD Btw, I imagine B to have a voice like Fred from Courage the Cowardly Dog. If ya'll don't remember, it's the episode called Freaky Fred, and he's Muriel's freaky nephew who's obsessed with cutting hair, and he speaks in creepy rhymes like "So alone was I with tender Courage, and all his fur, so furry furrish, I say, did encourage me to be…." There are vids of him on youtube. I imagine him behind the voice of B, except with the creep "naaaauuughhhhhty" ever five seconds.

_Well, thanks for reading, and ta-ta for now!_


	3. Optimus Prime Explains Everything

_A/N: I'm so sorry__ that I've been gone for so long! My computer broke. x.x. But it's all fixed now, so I guarantee you that I'll be posting much more often!_

_Now, I know that L's kinda OOC in this, but I'm sorta aiming more for humor than characterization. Lol. Now, in case y'all are as spacey as Mr. Honeydew, Rhinovirus is actually a fancy term for the common cold. XD And I'd be really disappointed if you guys didn't know about Rebecca Black, i.e., the reincarnation of Satan, most famous for her retarded-ass song "Friday." Other than that, enjoy!_

DNDNDNDNDNDND

Roger was having a delightful time watching I Love Lucy in his office, eating rocky road and laughing heartily at the fact that Mello was suffering. He was about to go check on the boys (you know, to make sure they hadn't blown anything up yet), when the telephone rang. "Yes, yes, hello?" he asked, gulping down the ice cream.

"Roger. It's me."

The man hurriedly put down the container of ice cream and cleared his through. "Ryuzaki! What a suprise! Could I help you with something?"

Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, the greatest known detective in history, L, was busily watching Watari pack a bag for him, while munching on chocolate chip cookies. "Roger, haven't you heard yet? Beyond Birthday has escaped from prison," he said before biting his nail. Not many things could make L nervous. This was one of the few that could.

Roger gasped and stuttered. "T-That's impossible! He's locked up tight in Guantanamo Bay! NO ONE escapes from there! Except for Harold and Kumar, but THOSE guys are like Jesus!"

L shrugged, taking a nibble off the cookie. "You know B. He's a genius. Mentally insane, but ingenious nonetheless. I'm heading home now. If he makes it to Wammy's House, you know what he'll do."

Roger gulped as he imagined what B would do. "Oh, God. Sir, you can't come back! He'll destroy you!"

"Roger. Listen to me. It's me he wants, and if I'm not there, he's kill everyone in the house a thousand times over. He won't kill me; You know he won't." L glanced up at Watari, who was staring worriedly at the detective. L attempted to smile reassuringly, but couldn't bring himself to do it. He himself wasn't reassured. "Make sure everyone is accounted for and safe, do you hear? Watari and I are in Paris now. Our plane leaves in an hour." No goodbye, no safe wishes; L just hung up.

Roger sucked in a deep breath and shook a few Xanax pills into his mouth. He quickly grabbed the microphone on his desk, and the following words were broadcasted throughout the school grounds. "Attention, children! There is a vital emergency! This is not a drill, I REPEAT, this isn't a drill! Everyone is to report to their dorm rooms right away! Keep your doors and windows locked, and leave the lights off! Again, I say, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I will come round momentarily to make sure everyone is accounted for! Do not open the door to anyone who isn't me, understand! And all staff are to report to the teacher's lounge. NOW GO!" After getting off the air, the aging man sucked in a deep breath, along with another Xanax. Then another. Then another. "I'm getting too damn old for this," he murmured, grabbing a clipboard and pen.

He first went to the girl's dorm. Everyone was present and accounted for. When a few especially rebellious girls wanted to go into town, Roger told them that a terrifying rapist was prowling about, which brought an end to their wishes to leave. All in all, an easy task getting them to stay in. The sun was just about set, making Roger move faster. In the boy's dorm, they didn't ask questions about leaving, which made Roger think this would be easy after all. But then he got to the last two remaining rooms.

Mello and Matt's room was empty. As was Near's. At first, Roger began to panic, but then shook his head and chuckled at himself. Of course, they were outside cleaning his car! How could they have heard the announcement? So the aging, Xanax-packed man hurried out to the front of the building to warn his remaining students of the impending danger.

But Near, Mello, and Matt weren't there.

And neither was Old Betsy.

Roger stared at the blank spot where Old Betsy used to sit for a long, long time. His eyebrow twitched and he began to perspire violently. Roger calmly crossed himself and sank to his knees before looking up to the heavens and shouting

"WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL THAT FUCKING MELLO UNTIL HE'S SERANADING SATAN IN THE FIRE PITS OF HELL! I WILL CUT HIS FUCKING LEGS OFF AND SERVE THEM FOR SUPPER! GRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!"

He then passed out on the ground, his pills spilling out onto the lawn and all the other children watched from their windows in a mix of fear and amusement.

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a shiver ripped up Mello's spine. "I just felt a premonition of doom..." he muttered, looking all around in fear.

Matt rolled his eyes. "Quit being dramatic, you're probably just cold. It is getting pretty chilly, for summer..."His eyes wandered to the smallest of their trio. "You look cold, too, Near. We should get closer for warmth and-"

"No," the albino answered without hesitation, and Mello let out a bark of a laugh.

Matt elbowed his best friend and scowled. He was about to say something nasty back, when he noticed where they were. "Dude, there's Honeydew's Towing, just like the freaky guy said! C'mon!" He hurried forward, and, Mello and Near scurried to keep up. It was getting very dark, and all three boys (and Optimus Prime) were becoming wary, to say the least.

The tow yard was a bit of a dump. There were very few cars, and the ones that were there weren't taken care of very well. Except for Old Betsy, who was sitting all alone in a corner, with barely a mark on her. "Awesome!" Mello shouted, and collapsed onto his knees. "Thank you, GaGa!" he shouted to the darkening skies. Without a moment's hesitation, he jumped back to his feet and darted over to where Old Betsy resided. "Gakk!" he croaked when Matt grabbed his collar without a bit of warning. "The fuck is your problem!"

"It's on bricks, dumbass," the red head said, pointing out the car's tragic flaw. "We'll have to talk to the owner. I'm sure he'll spare us because we're kids."

Mello quirked his head to the side and thought deeply. "Oh well. The GaGa giveth, and the GaGa taketh away."

Near frowned and whispered something to his little toy robot before nodding. "Don't worry, Optimus Prime says he'll do all the talking. He's very smart with words." And on that note, the boy turned and shuffled off to the tower's head office. Mello and Matt thought about what he had just said for a long moment before looking at each other in horror.

"Near, wait!"

But they were too late. Near had already knocked on the door, and it had already been open. In the entry way was a portly man in a stained wifebeater, with a beer in one hand and a greasy slice of pizza in the other. "Wuzzamatter?" he asked, clearly drunk.

Near turned to his robot friend. "Go ahead, Optimus Prime."

The next ten seconds were full of silence. No one did anything, except for Near, who was nodding in understanding.

"This some kind of joke?" the tower demanded after that awkward bout of quiet. He was surprised when Near held up a stern hand.  
"It's very impolite to interrupt, sir."

And with that, Mello yanked Near away and Matt tried to patch up the situation reasonably. While Mello was whispering angry threats to Near, while Matt was chattering away nervously. "I'm so very sorry about that, Mr. Honeydew, our friend isn't well. He's got a mental disorder."

The man belched loudly, and Matt very nearly gagged. "What disease izzat?"

Matt stared blankly. "Lukemi...no, er, muscular dystroph...um. Rhinovirus. He's got it bad. Only a month to live."

"Ohhh, damn," Mr. Honeydew said, glancing at Near, who was being yelled at by Mello. "Poor bastard. Well, what can I do you for, boys?"

"You towed our car earlier, sir, the red Ford. We had only left it for a second, and REALLY need it bad. Like, REALLY BAD," Matt continued, trying his hardest to look like a young, innocent boy and a stern man at the same time.

The man belched again. "Sure thing, boys. That'll just be 2 Gs."

Mello stopped yelling at Near long enough to cock an eyebrow at Mr. Honeydew. "Gs...you want us to bring you two gangsters?"

Through the shock, Matt managed to croak "No, Mello...two thousand."

"...Cents?"

"Dollars, dumbass!"

Mello gasped, his face turned red in anger. He stormed forward, shoving Matt out of the way to the tower. "Where the hell do you get off charging a bunch of kids that much money!"

Matt hurriedly shoved his best friend behind him. "Forgive him, he's got Rhinovirus too. We all do." He bit his lip hard enough to draw a few tears. "It's just so AWFUL living with this h-horrible disease. It killed our parents, and it's gonna take our lives now!" Those six months of acting classes must have paid off, because Matt burst into entirely convincing tears. Mello, realizing what his best friend was doing, promptly began to fake cry as well, and hurried to hug his red headed companion. Near was still chattering with Optimus Prime, and didn't get the jist that Mello and Matt were throwing at him. So Matt (all too gladly), hugged Near tight and sobbed into his shoulder, completely hiding the emotionless child's face from the truck driver.

"Now, now, kids, no crying!" Mr Honeydew said hurriedly. "Listen, I'll knock it down to $1000! I can't go no lower, though, I'm sorry."

Matt threw his head back and screamed to the sky "WHYYYYYYYYYYY, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! WHY US!"

"Fine, fine, $500! But I'll go outta business if I go any lower!"

"But wh-wh-where are we gonna find five-hundred dollars?" Mello fake-sobbed.

Mr. Honeydew thought for a moment before snapping his fingers. "I got it! There's a karaoke contest down at BJ's Bar! The grand prize is $500 and a free meal! I'll bet if you kids told them about your condition, they'd be more likely to let you win!"

The boys exchanged glances. Mello grinned, knowing he was an awesome singer, and Near furrowed his brow, knowing he had never sung a note in his life. Matt loved singing, but didn't know if it was any good. Mello was always yelling at him to shut the hell up whenever he sang in the shower, so he presumed it sucked.

"Awesome!" Mello said, switching from tears to smiles in mere seconds. "Thanks, Mr. Honeydew!" He gripped Matt and Near's hands and started running.

As he watched the boys run away, Mr. Honeydew sniffed. "Those poor kids. Why would God ever give such innocent kids a disease like Rhinovirus? I dunno what that is, but it sounds terrible. Damn shame…" he uttered before finally returned to his office.

Meanwhile, Mello had managed to drag Matt and Near a few hundred yards before Near broke free, panting. "Why must we hurry so?" he gasped.

Mello rolled his eyes, as if this was the stupidest question he had ever heard. "So we aren't late, duh. I doubt the judges are gonna wanna vote for us if we're the last ones to walk in! Hurry your asses up!" The blonde darted forward, expect the others to follow.

Matt frowned and turned to Near. "I don't think he's realized yet that he has no idea where BJ's Bar is."

"Indeed."  
The two boys waited patiently for a few minutes before they spotted Mello in the distance, trudging back to them. "I dunno…where the bar is," he panted.

"It's on 4th street," Near said, more to Optimus Prime than his other two human companions.

Matt's frown deepened. "And how do you know this, Near?"

Near shrugged. "It's across the street from the toy store. I know the way. I know how to get anywhere from the toy store. It's like the North Star."

Mello clenched his teeth. "Even home?"

"Especially home."

Matt was the only thing blocking Mello from slugging Near across the face. "Mels, calm down, come on!"

Mello was literally seeing red. "You stupid little FUCK, why didn't you say anything earlier!" He shouted, trying to pounce on Near.

Near held Optimus Prime up as protection and quivered. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't think about it earlier! I can only get there from the toy store anyway!"

Mello clenched his pale hands, imagining that they were squeezing Near's skinny little neck.

"Mello!" shouted Matt. "Stop! Stop it! Would GaGa approve of this, Mello!"

With those words, Mello sucked in a deep breath, trying very hard to compose himself. "You're right. Y-You're right, GaGa would be greatly displeased." He forced a smile. "I'm good now."

"Now apologize."  
"Fuck off," the blonde spat, before shoving Near in front of them. "Lead the way, bitch."

DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN

"Ohhh, my head…." Roger murmured, gently touching his aching forehead. The sky was already dark, and he had been awakened by the vibrations of his cell phone in his pocket. "Hello?" he answered groggily.

"Roger. It's L. Is everything alright there?"

Oh shit. Did he tell L about how Near, Matt and Mello were in mortal danger, or say they were fine to save his own ass? Nah, L would find out sooner or later. "L, I'm sorry, but…Mello and Near and Matt took my car. I have no idea where they went."

"…I'm sorry, I don't believe I heard you correctly, Roger."  
Roger took a Xanax from the grass and popped it in his mouth. "Well, um, funny story, really, I told Mello to clean my car, and Near and Matt helped him, and….now they're all off in Winchester somewhere. Funny, right? We're going to be laughing at this one day. Haha! I'm already laughing! Hahaha!"

At this time, L was on a flight-first class, of course-with Watari, and they were just about to land in England. L's hand clenched on the phone. "Pardon me a moment, Roger." He covered the phone receiver with a hand.

Roger couldn't hear everything that L was screaming, but he caught a few words, such as "FUCK", and "KILL", and "REBECCA BLACK" and "STRANGLE."

"….L, I'll call you back," Roger croaked, and hung up before he could finish hearing what L would do to him when he got here.

"Dear sweet God," he whispered, beginning to shake. "Please let Mello, Matt and Near get home safely. I promise I won't threaten Mello's life for a whole week if you allow them to come home. Amen."

DNDNDNDNDNDNDND 

_A/N: Next time:_

_Near, Matt and Mello have a karaoke smackdown, and meet a very famous person. But will this encounter threaten everything they've been working for to get home, especially if Mello can't control his urges? Will they EVER get home? Will Mr. Honeydew realize what Rhinovirus actually is? Will B make another appearance? Will Bella choose Jacob or Edward! Find out the answer to all of these in the next installment of "An Evening in Winchester!"_


End file.
